Projection is a psychological tool we use to manage our own discomfort. In short, we subconsciously say, “I don’t want to admit that I feel this way so now I’m going to say that you’re the source.”

How many times have we been blamed for something we didn’t do? Or others’ are upset about something but now taking it out on you? Or we can tell others have preconceived notions about us and start acting as if these are already true about us, even though they’re not? We don’t have to look too far to see that this goes on in politics as well – blaming the other side of the aisle for something that party (or person) is guilty of.

So on a day to day basis, how do we best manage these tough scenarios?

1) Mine or yours? Check in with ourselves first before jumping into a defensive stance. When that person starts pouncing on us and we feel either confused or can clearly tell this isn’t about us, stop to ask ourselves this question, “Is this mine or theirs”? It doesn’t mean you tell them they’re projecting, but a self-check is vital here.

2) From here, remember the three aspects of communication: objective, relationship, and self respect.

Objective. Do your best to focus the conversation on the objective, or what you wish to attain from the conversation. If you can tell the other is starting to stray off topic to circling back and wanting to play the blame game, do your best to stay focused on what you want out of the conversation. So, for example, if your partner says, “You’re not going to listen to me anyway, so it doesn’t matter”, answer by saying, “I’m interested in what you have to say so we can resolve this. I’m here for you and when you’re ready to chat about this let me know.” You’re staying focused on the topic and not getting hooked into a debate.

Relationship. This aspect refers to how you want to communicate. If it’s someone you work with everyday or a spouse, maintaining the relationship is important; therefore thinking about the nuances becomes a key role here (e.g., tone of voice, word choice). So, if your coworker keeps blaming you for something you didn’t do, instead of defending yourself reflect back, “I hear that you’re really upset me, and I want to address why you think so. Our relationship is important to me and I’d like to resolve this.” This cuts the drama of the back and forth and returns the focus to the objective. If the relationship doesn’t matter, such as angry Facebook commenters who you don’t know, it’s best to not engage. There’s no relationship to maintain and defending your topic will likely just get them more heated and stay entrenched in their views.

Self respect. No matter how much we want to get along with others, sometimes it’s just not possible. Self respect refers to the idea that regardless of how the conversation goes, whether we achieve our objective or maintain smoothness in the relationship at that moment or the dialogue tanks, how do we want to feel about ourselves after the conversation ends? How can we look back and say, “At least I handled that the most tactful way I could.” So taking a step back and recognizing that this is their “stuff” and not ours can keep us cool enough to not enter the fight. Remember, it takes two to tango.

Last but not least how do we know if we’re the one who is doing the projecting?

This can be tough since, by definition, the whole point of projecting is to rid ourselves of something unwanted. That said, keep the 3 R’s in mind:

Righteousness: You’re convinced 100% that you’re 100% right and not open to feedback, being very defensive.

“W”ronged: If big feelings come up when the objective facts from the situation don’t match the feelings, it’s a clue.

Regular Responses from others: The feedback you’ve gotten repeatedly from others if a strong clue of a trend.