Alex Bloom, Psy.D.

Did you know that psychology has already answered the question of how to end suffering?! Hard to believe, I know. But it’s true; kind of. Part of this relies on semantics. Let me explain.

In life we have both suffering and pain. Pain is inevitable, whether it be physical or emotional. Physical pain might be from when we stub our toe, break an arm, struggle with chronic pain, while emotional pain might be the heartache we feel from a breakup, argument with our child, or work with a difficult boss. Pain is just a part of life and none of us escape it. Suffering, however, is quite different: it’s our response to pain. And once we know this, we hold the keys to our freedom!

When I’m describing this concept to clients I often use a prop to make this more tangible. If you held a cactus in your hand, those prickly spines can be uncomfortable, to say the least! This represents the pain in our life. Yet at the same time I have a choice with my response to the cactus. While I can’t let it go (at least for right now), I can choose whether I squeeze my hand or let the cactus just rest there. My choice in that dictates my degree of suffering. In other words, while we often don’t have control over the pain in our lives, we do have control over our response to it.

With the holidays upon us, thinking about these concepts in the context of family can be a great example. When you know you’ll have to interact with those difficult family members at the holiday get together or listen to discussions that get brought up on subjects you disagree with it, that’s pain. However, when you fret about the get together ahead of time which leads to sleepless nights, slip into heated discussions while at the dinner table trying to change that family member’s point of view, or get caught up in those repeated texting arguments with family members about the same subjects every year, that’s suffering.

Recognizing the difference between these two ideas becomes the crucial first step. Ask yourself, “What is my cactus?”

Once we grasp this, then use my Three A’s – a three step formula for dealing with the self-inflicted misery we create:

• Acknowledge: We have to acknowledge that the pain is there. If we don’t see that we’re holding a cactus in our hands we can’t change our unconscious responses to it.  Did you recently receive a diagnosis and you’re filled with fear? That co-worker talking behind your back? Disgruntled about that family member who’s “acting up” again? Those are the cacti.
• Allow: We have to be intentional about how we interact with this pain. Allowing means non-resistance or not pushing against the situation we can’t currently change since that would only lead to making things worse. In short, it means not “squeezing the cactus”. Recognize that we always have that choice between the situation and what meaning we attach to it. Allowing does not mean giving up – it just means we’re making the intentional decision to not move from pain into suffering.
  • 1) Think about what some cacti might be in your life and reflect on what your typical responses to them are.
  • 2) Honestly ask yourself if the way you interact with them improve the situation or just seem to make things worse? What other options could you take to be more skillful in your responses? How could you suffer less in your response to the pain?
• (re)Align: Have you ever noticed wherever you place your attention, you just end up finding more of that? Our mind is like a bloodhound, sniffing out what it’s directed to find. So we can take charge of our attention and “tell” it where else to go. This, of course, takes practice and requires that we do so over and over. Say to yourself, “I don’t want to squeeze this cactus so instead I’ll align my focus on ____.” There are countless opportunities to where we could redirect our attention. Playing a game on your phone, spending quality time with your children, working on chores or household projects. This isn’t you ignoring your problems – it’s you taking control back over your brain and focusing your attention on using your mental energy in a more effective way….and there’s a world of difference between the two.
  • Pro tip: This is why a mindfulness practice is so helpful! We’re building our attention muscles when we cultivate this skill.

Lastly, I’ll say this is not an easy practice and something that takes time to develop. That said, when we come to fully understand and embody this concept our entire life begins to transform. The inevitable cacti in life poke us less intensely because we’ve taken our control back by viewing them in an entirely new light.

Did you know that more than HALF of your cortex (the surface of your brain) is devoted to processing visual information? In comparison, 8% is reserved for touch and just 3% for hearing. That’s a lot of brain power!

Also referred to as mental imagery, visualization is a much more powerful tool we have at our disposal than most of realize. Tiger woods. Michael Jordan. Almost all Olympic athletes. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even Oprah and Jim Carrey praise visualization as helping them reach their goals.

But this isn’t just some hokey way of convincing us to obtain our objectives but grounded in science. Here are some interesting studies:

An exercise psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation in Ohio wanted to see if there was a difference in muscle strength for those who went to the gym compared to those who completed a virtual workout in their heads.

His results?

Those who went to the gym increased their strength by 30%…but those who sat in their armchairs and only carried out the mental rehearsal of weight training in their minds – having never pumped any iron – increased by almost half of that. That’s incredible!

And this wasn’t just one random study. Another had volunteers imagine flexing one of their biceps as hard as they could during daily training exercises.

Researchers were cautious to ensure the participants were not doing actual exercises and later found that, surprisingly, these folks had an increase in muscle size and strength of 13.5% just after a few weeks. This remained in effect for 3 months even after the mental training stopped!

So how do we harness this power?

First, it’s important to recognize we’re doing this already throughout our daily life. We think in pictures.

If I asked you what was happening for you on 9/11, you’d have images flash into your mind of where you were, who you were with, perhaps even recalling what you were wearing.

When we worry about the future or dwell on the past we’re visualizing too, but on the negative. Our bodies then respond in real time to those images (since our brain and body can’t distinguish the real vs. imagined).

So here’s some simple things you do can do:

1) Process vs outcome visualizing: Depending on what resonates with you, you can either focus on the successes you achieve on your journey towards your destination or just focus on the end result. Both are powerful.

2) Tell your brain your plan with pictures: Be intentional about what images you want to be thinking about. Make a vision board where you see yourself accomplishing all your goals. Don’t forget to put yourself in it. Draw. Paint. Color. Cut out images from magazines or Pinterest pictures that inspire you or have you feeling the success you’re dreaming of.

3) Get all of your senses (and emotions) involved: This makes it more real to your brain and has a greater convincing edge. What will you notice in your body? What will you hear? Etc. And don’t forget how you’ll feel: what positive emotion will you experience? These help anchor in the desired effect.

4) Repetition is the secret sauce: Last, but not least, review these often! Take creative control as the director. The more you can replay this mind movie, the more real world effect it will have.

Projection is a psychological tool we use to manage our own discomfort. In short, we subconsciously say, “I don’t want to admit that I feel this way so now I’m going to say that you’re the source.”

How many times have we been blamed for something we didn’t do? Or others’ are upset about something but now taking it out on you? Or we can tell others have preconceived notions about us and start acting as if these are already true about us, even though they’re not? We don’t have to look too far to see that this goes on in politics as well – blaming the other side of the aisle for something that party (or person) is guilty of.

So on a day to day basis, how do we best manage these tough scenarios?

1) Mine or yours? Check in with ourselves first before jumping into a defensive stance. When that person starts pouncing on us and we feel either confused or can clearly tell this isn’t about us, stop to ask ourselves this question, “Is this mine or theirs”? It doesn’t mean you tell them they’re projecting, but a self-check is vital here.

2) From here, remember the three aspects of communication: objective, relationship, and self respect.

Objective. Do your best to focus the conversation on the objective, or what you wish to attain from the conversation. If you can tell the other is starting to stray off topic to circling back and wanting to play the blame game, do your best to stay focused on what you want out of the conversation. So, for example, if your partner says, “You’re not going to listen to me anyway, so it doesn’t matter”, answer by saying, “I’m interested in what you have to say so we can resolve this. I’m here for you and when you’re ready to chat about this let me know.” You’re staying focused on the topic and not getting hooked into a debate.

Relationship. This aspect refers to how you want to communicate. If it’s someone you work with everyday or a spouse, maintaining the relationship is important; therefore thinking about the nuances becomes a key role here (e.g., tone of voice, word choice). So, if your coworker keeps blaming you for something you didn’t do, instead of defending yourself reflect back, “I hear that you’re really upset me, and I want to address why you think so. Our relationship is important to me and I’d like to resolve this.” This cuts the drama of the back and forth and returns the focus to the objective. If the relationship doesn’t matter, such as angry Facebook commenters who you don’t know, it’s best to not engage. There’s no relationship to maintain and defending your topic will likely just get them more heated and stay entrenched in their views.

Self respect. No matter how much we want to get along with others, sometimes it’s just not possible. Self respect refers to the idea that regardless of how the conversation goes, whether we achieve our objective or maintain smoothness in the relationship at that moment or the dialogue tanks, how do we want to feel about ourselves after the conversation ends? How can we look back and say, “At least I handled that the most tactful way I could.” So taking a step back and recognizing that this is their “stuff” and not ours can keep us cool enough to not enter the fight. Remember, it takes two to tango.

Last but not least how do we know if we’re the one who is doing the projecting?

This can be tough since, by definition, the whole point of projecting is to rid ourselves of something unwanted. That said, keep the 3 R’s in mind:

Righteousness: You’re convinced 100% that you’re 100% right and not open to feedback, being very defensive.

“W”ronged: If big feelings come up when the objective facts from the situation don’t match the feelings, it’s a clue.

Regular Responses from others: The feedback you’ve gotten repeatedly from others if a strong clue of a trend.

With the change in seasons our moods can take a hit, especially as we enter into shorter days with less sunlight. Fall can kick off this change for many people, both from increased stressors (e.g., back to school) or from less sunlight exposure (which can inhibit the production of serotonin). We might feel a bit more down, feel more lethargic, be less inclined to partake in our usual activities, or have trouble with sleep.

Follow “Grandma’s Rules” for Eating

Dessert always followed dinner at least at Grandma’s house, right? So follow the same rule of thumb, which means crowd out the ‘bad’ foods by eating the ‘good’ ones first. Before filling up on those sugary or carb-loaded snacks eat something healthy first. Also, limit how many foods you consume that contain ingredients that are hard to pronounce.

Soak Up the Sunshine

There are so many ways to do this so you can get creative. Open your blinds or sit by windows when possible, cut away branches that block sunlight. Go for a morning stroll before work or schedule an activity outside. The sun is essential for us getting back on track. When I see younger clients and have this discussion, I tell that Superman recharged his powers from the sunlight. For us to live optimally, we too need to spend time in the sun. Even 10-15 minutes can go a long way.

Make Play a Priority

It’s one simple word but it means so much and as adults we often forget how to ‘play’. There are so many ways to do this! De-stress by connecting with loved ones even if you don’t feel like it, book a trip even if it’s for a short weekend to someplace sunnier like central Oregon. Reengage with a hobby or make new ones for the fall and wintertime as a preventative, especially outdoor ones (e.g., hiking, photography, outdoor walking groups). Remember, pleasurable activities and self care are important to your health; not just a luxury.

Break a Sweat

We know the importance of exercise…but are we doing it? Even 20-30 minutes more days than not can go such a long way. And this can be accumulative, too. Park further away from the office, take the stairs, walk around your block two times before going inside when you drive home. It’s ideal if you can exercise for long enough to break a sweat. Exercise can offset the lowered production of the ‘feel good juices’ (e.g., serotonin) in your brain that can often come with a change in weather.

If your change in mood or other symptoms intensify or persist for more than a few weeks it’s worth booking an appointment with a counselor. If your car were acting funny you’d send it to a mechanic so why not do the same for your mental health? Even a few sessions can go a long way.

Being in a bad mood can compound on itself, have you noticed? We tend to see the world through darker shades when we’re feeling rotten and things that wouldn’t have bothered us before seem quite irksome. So how do we pivot when this ‘momentum’ is starting to build? Keep the 3 R’s in mind: Reboot. Reframe. Respiration.

Reboot

Reset your brain by taking a break from rehashing the past (sadness) or rehearsing the future (anxiety) to divert your attention to something pleasing. Take a mental break by doing such things as listening to a favorite song…while singing along or moving your body if you can to get more engaged. Create a playlist based on mood so you’ll have it when you need. I simply call mine “feel good mix.” Watch a funny YT video so you can start feeling the emotion of humor. Set up a playlist of funny videos so you’ve done your digging ahead of time. Even anticipating that something will be funny that hasn’t happened yet tricks our brain to light up the same regions! Interesting, right?

Reframe

News flash: not every thought we think is a fact. And yet it can FEEL as though sometimes those pesky perspectives we subjectively have ARE true. One of the biggest contributions the world of psychology has to offer is this life changing skill of reframing or ‘reappraisal.’ When you find yourself recycling thoughts that don’t feel good ask yourself the question, “Is this true?” Your mind might respond with a fast ‘Yes!’ but slow it down. Is it REALLY true? 100% with no room for tweaking? What’s the evidence?

Respiration

Breathing! Something we do all day everyday and yet active, intentional breathing is so often overlooked…yet so deceptively simple. When we’re feeling scattered becoming more present and just ‘being with’ our breathe can help center our attention. And if you begin feeling stressed, anxious, or angry try deep breathing – but not through the lungs. Through the belly. When we expand our diaphragmatic muscle (think of a spare tire) it inflates and stimulates a nerve in our back along our spinal column called the vagus nerve. This, in term, activates a relaxation response, the body’s braking system, to help us cool our jets (called the parasympathetic nervous system).

So the next time you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, come back to these tried and true research-based ideas to get you back on track: Reboot. Reframe. Respiration.