Did you know that psychology has already answered the question of how to end suffering?! Hard to believe, I know. But it’s true; kind of. Part of this relies on semantics. Let me explain.

In life we have both suffering and pain. Pain is inevitable, whether it be physical or emotional. Physical pain might be from when we stub our toe, break an arm, struggle with chronic pain, while emotional pain might be the heartache we feel from a breakup, argument with our child, or work with a difficult boss. Pain is just a part of life and none of us escape it. Suffering, however, is quite different: it’s our response to pain. And once we know this, we hold the keys to our freedom!

When I’m describing this concept to clients I often use a prop to make this more tangible. If you held a cactus in your hand, those prickly spines can be uncomfortable, to say the least! This represents the pain in our life. Yet at the same time I have a choice with my response to the cactus. While I can’t let it go (at least for right now), I can choose whether I squeeze my hand or let the cactus just rest there. My choice in that dictates my degree of suffering. In other words, while we often don’t have control over the pain in our lives, we do have control over our response to it.

With the holidays upon us, thinking about these concepts in the context of family can be a great example. When you know you’ll have to interact with those difficult family members at the holiday get together or listen to discussions that get brought up on subjects you disagree with it, that’s pain. However, when you fret about the get together ahead of time which leads to sleepless nights, slip into heated discussions while at the dinner table trying to change that family member’s point of view, or get caught up in those repeated texting arguments with family members about the same subjects every year, that’s suffering.

Recognizing the difference between these two ideas becomes the crucial first step. Ask yourself, “What is my cactus?”

Once we grasp this, then use my Three A’s – a three step formula for dealing with the self-inflicted misery we create:

• Acknowledge: We have to acknowledge that the pain is there. If we don’t see that we’re holding a cactus in our hands we can’t change our unconscious responses to it.  Did you recently receive a diagnosis and you’re filled with fear? That co-worker talking behind your back? Disgruntled about that family member who’s “acting up” again? Those are the cacti.
• Allow: We have to be intentional about how we interact with this pain. Allowing means non-resistance or not pushing against the situation we can’t currently change since that would only lead to making things worse. In short, it means not “squeezing the cactus”. Recognize that we always have that choice between the situation and what meaning we attach to it. Allowing does not mean giving up – it just means we’re making the intentional decision to not move from pain into suffering.
  • 1) Think about what some cacti might be in your life and reflect on what your typical responses to them are.
  • 2) Honestly ask yourself if the way you interact with them improve the situation or just seem to make things worse? What other options could you take to be more skillful in your responses? How could you suffer less in your response to the pain?
• (re)Align: Have you ever noticed wherever you place your attention, you just end up finding more of that? Our mind is like a bloodhound, sniffing out what it’s directed to find. So we can take charge of our attention and “tell” it where else to go. This, of course, takes practice and requires that we do so over and over. Say to yourself, “I don’t want to squeeze this cactus so instead I’ll align my focus on ____.” There are countless opportunities to where we could redirect our attention. Playing a game on your phone, spending quality time with your children, working on chores or household projects. This isn’t you ignoring your problems – it’s you taking control back over your brain and focusing your attention on using your mental energy in a more effective way….and there’s a world of difference between the two.
  • Pro tip: This is why a mindfulness practice is so helpful! We’re building our attention muscles when we cultivate this skill.

Lastly, I’ll say this is not an easy practice and something that takes time to develop. That said, when we come to fully understand and embody this concept our entire life begins to transform. The inevitable cacti in life poke us less intensely because we’ve taken our control back by viewing them in an entirely new light.